The Rod

Psalm 23:4 ... I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff they comfort me.
Job 9:34 Let him take his rod away from me, and let not dread of him terrify me.

There are some times, I am thankful God is not a man. His ways are higher, his eyes more widely open. But today, I must confess, I wished I was Him. I got another reminder of my jobless state, receiving a letter in the mail stating I wasn't the right woman for a weekly reporter position I applied for. This is really getting frustrating. I was doing really good yesterday. In fact, I talked to a former peace corps friend of mine from Honduras and she was asking if I was getting worried with the job search results. I told her, surprisingly I was doing fine. But today that letter hit me like a ton of bricks. I just wanted to sit down and cry - I did pout a bit (sorry CJ) and if I had nothing to do today, I probably would have pouted more.

It is interesting that Job says he wants God's rod to be gone, yet David talks about how comforting God's rod is. I guess for me - and possibly for all of us - its both. "Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life," David says. While Job is yapping away about many dreaded things: "yet you will plunge me into a pit, and my own clothes will abhor me. For he is not a man, as I am, that I might answer him, that we should come to trial together... ."

To be honest, the idea of meeting up with God and yelling at him and throwing a little temper-tantrum sounds a weensie bit enticing. But when I think of his glory, his power and his might. Well, that idea sounds like the stupidest thought anyone could ever possibly think. Job got a large, and rather bitter, taste of that. "Things too wonderful" for him to even comprehend. And it wasn't until he realized that he, no matter how blameless, would never be as holy or justifiable in his deeds as God. No one will ever be. I need a taste of Job's realization right now. But I'd rather be David, sitting by a stream, being comforted by a God who is simultaneously holy and personal, loving and just, omniscient and curious, omnipotent yet sings over me with his love. I cannot take one quality of God and not accept the others.
The Lord is my Shepherd. I shall not want.
I shall not
want.

tristeza

I can't hold back the thought: Is God mocking me for all the times I said I didn't want to be a housewife? Am I supposed to just accept this as my role right now? I'm having such a hard time.

I don't really think he's doing that, not in the depths of my soul. But down there, there is a constant battle between who I want God to be and who he really is, and then of course, the battle between darkness and light.

I need you God. That's all there is to it. There's nothing else. I (obviously) don't need a job, but I want one. I don't need a husband, but I'm glad I have one, and therefore, want one. I don't need a dog, but I like having one. Do I need to be stripped bare like Job? Job knew he needed God, it wasn't for Job's sake God stripped him ... at least I don't think. It was for the enemy. To prove God's glory in Job's life. I can't help but think it seems so cruel.

Please God, hear the cry of my heart. I'm struggling and in the good and the bad, I need you I need you I need you. Can you hear me? I know I need you. Please God show me what to do. Give me prudence, patience, perseverance, and constant reminders that You are all I'm living for: I need to find my purpose in You, not in a career or a hoozband or a lifestyle. Please God, hear me and deliver me from this sadness.

I love you, and I need you.

g