For me, Yes, for you, No

“We have an idea that God is leading us to a particular end, a desired goal; He is not…His purpose is that I depend on Him and His power now. God is not working toward a particular finish; His end is the process—I see Him walking on the waves, no shore in sight, no success, no goal, just the absolute certainty that it is all right because I see Him walking on the sea.” –Oswald Chambers

The Tozer book I’m reading deals with this concept as well. It’s all about the Eternity of God. If God is eternal and I am not, at least this life is not, then the present moment is crucial. It’s way past time to cultivate a burden for specific people. I act as though eternity doesn’t exist for others. I certainly act as though it does for me. I’m set. I got my salvation ticket and when heaven comes down and hell rises up, I’ll be safe and sound. “Redeem the time, Smith.” I used to want to be a prayer warrior. What happened? My hands became Martha’s, and well, maybe they still are.

Back Off Buddy

I was talking to Juan, my neighbor, who we all call Pastor. I don’t think he is a pastor, but he works for churches. He was asking me when I go to church and where I go. I go every Sunday, I said to him. He said, good, but you gotta read the Bible. Juan, I do read the Bible. Good, he said, but you gotta pray before you read it and ask the Holy Spirit to help you understand what you read. You gotta start talking to people about Jesus, you’re Spanish is good. Back off, Juan, is what I thought in my head. Yes Juan, is what I said.
Ask and I’ll give the nations to you, sings Shane B. I tried to find out where it says that in Psalms, and it’s actually a mix of different ones. But regardless, it’s still a longing that I have. And one I believe was put there by God. Quite a few of my friends have longings for certain nations. I guess one could say I’m living out that longing. But for what, exactly? I’m making friends, especially with some of my neighbors, hoping those friendships will lead to conversations. But hoping the convos wont come for a long while. That desire—not from God. It’s from my pride. I just don’t feel like getting into a spiritual debate in Spanish. Last night, I was attempting to explain the roles of women and men in the Bible around a table of senior citizens. After a little while, I was ready to leave. I’m not ready for this Lord. I don’t want to ready myself for this. But I’ve asked for a nation, for this people, whom You have given to me, in a way. I gotta learn to redeem the time. Change my attitude, please.

Pigs and Men

Despicable. That’s the human heart. In one man or in another. Deep deep deep down in the heart, I have these despicable desires. I hate that I have them. But when they come up, sort of like a burp does, they can be fun, releasing pressure I thought would soon pop.

“The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it? I the Lord search the heart; I try the reins, even to give every man according to his ways, and according to the fruit of his doings.” –Jeremiah 17:9-10
I have recently learned about some of the deep deep desires of two men I know here in regards to other women. Men are pigs. Sure, but so am I in my own ways. I hate that I now know what I know. But somehow, I still must treat them as friends, because that is what they are. That is what they were. They are. And probably if they knew the deep depths of darkness I daily try to hide, it would be easier for us all. They don’t know I know. I suppose, if I wanted I could allow my actions to display my hatred of their actions. But how would that be Christ-like? He told the truth out of love. He never judged. If there comes a point where telling them what I feel about their actions will somehow lead them closer to Christ, so be it. “You know the depths of my thoughts, yet you love me the same,” sings Chris Tomlin. Love holds no record of wrong. The least I can do is treat them with dignity, for deep within me lie those same despicable desires.

We, The Kings

“Because man is born a rebel, he is unaware that he is one. His constant assertion of self, as far as he thinks of it at all appears to him a perfectly normal thing. He is willing to share himself, sometimes even to sacrifice himself for a desired end, but never to dethrone himself. No matter how far down the scale of social acceptance he may slide, he is still in his own eyes a king on a throne, and no one, not even God, can take that throne from him.” –A. W. Tozer The Knowledge of the Holy

I am,
I am who I love best
I am the best
I may sometimes look at myself in the mirror
And say You’re ugly or You’re stupid
But I am,
I am who I love best
I look out for number one
I care most about myself
I agree You are great
You are amazing
But please don’t tell me You Are—
You are who I should love best
Appease me,
I’ll run along side of you
I’ll tell people about you
But don’t ask me to go that far
Yes yes, You Are
Are you happy now?
But I am
I am too.
You Are and I Am
Happy together right?
Come on.
Damn.
Wrong again.
You Are.
I’m Not.
You Are.

Idolatry

“The idolatrous heart assumes that God is other than He is—in itself a monstrous sin—and substitutes for the true God one made after its own likeness…Let us beware lest we in our pride accept the erroneous notion that idolatry consists only in kneeling before visible objects of adoration, and that civilized peoples are therefore free from it. The essence of idolatry is the entertainment of thoughts about God that are unworthy of Him.”
-A. W. Tozer The Knowledge of the Holy

At least since college, I have recognized that idolatry is more than just bowing down to a carved image. I remember teaching a bible study or two on the idols of our present lives. However, this thought has never really occurred to me, that my image of God, in and of itself, can be its own false idol. I think every Christian has his own idea of who God is. In a way, that can be a good thing. The good from that is shown in how many different areas Christians can minister. Even in college, I saw clear ministry patterns of friends that would never be my own. Some who would build relationships with social outcasts, some who would spend most of their time with children, some who would minister to their sports team, and some who would go to the parties and minister to their sorority or fraternity. Yet, there is a bad that comes from having a different perception of God. That bad is what Tozer is referring to: that when we create a God in our likeness, instead of molding ourselves in His likeness, we are, indeed idolaters.

Paul said, “When they knew God, they glorified him not as God, neither were thankful; but became vain in their imaginations, and their foolish heart was darkened.”

Especially now as I am not around a group of believers that I really hang out with…yet, I need to be very careful that I am not, in my head, molding my God into the image I want him to be. I am the clay. He is the potter.

The Chief

“This is a faithful saying and worthy of all acceptation, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am chief.” -1Tim 1:15

This is humility. I’ve been learning so much about grace lately and it really seems true at least in my life, that one cannot fully accept grace until one is humbled. And in a rather odd fashion, what can humble us more than viewing our sin in lieu of God’s holiness. To say as I stand that I am the chief sinner of all—takes a lot.

There is no record of Paul ever raping anyone. In my mind, this is one of the worst sins and/or crimes. Yet he stands up and says my sins are worse than those of a serial rapist. Am I to do that too? Am I to say all my lying, all my self-righteousness, all my false pretenses, all my lustful thoughts are worse than any sinner who ever lived? When I do that, when I can label myself with the Castros and the Hitlers and the Al-Quiedas, only then can I ever get the purest taste of God’s grace that is possible on this earth. I’m not there yet. I have recently stepped a bit closer though, and that closeness has opened my eyes to the grace I’ve always preached as “amazing.” It’s not just a song. It’s not just a cliché. I am chief of sinners, and grace’s umbrella covers me.